So perhaps this journal won't be as positive as my last.
Uhuh... yeah that's right. I'm gonna get all contemplative on all your asses. Because, I guess even the most happiest people have trouble sleeping at night.
Perhaps I'm just angry. Maybe I'm starting to realize some harsh truths about life.
(Deviant Art buddies need not take any offence from this as you guys are the most supportive source of friendship I can rely on. I cherish every one of you.)
My question to you guys, is tricky.
Do you ever feel like you never truly belong anywhere? To feel like a completely different species to the rest of the people around you.
No matter how much you try to 'be normal'.
I meet people and I try my hardest to gain and maintain their friendship... and its exhausting. I'm tired. I'm tired of wondering why I can't make a friend who I am able to invest my trust, my loyalty and understanding with. I can't help but feel that even those who say are my friends, actually harbor a bit of hate for me.
I don't understand. Do I make them uncomfortable? Am I intimidating?
Am I not meeting your standards? Do I not qualify for your job description?
I've been told that jealousy plays a big part in my friendships. And it hurts me to know that there aren't many people out there who will be happy for what I have achieved and what I have been gifted with. I shouldn't have to suffer for something I have no control over.
I have times were I believe that even my friends are waiting for me to fall. To crash and burn. The sadistic chuckles of schadenfreude.
Despite my seemingly outgoing disguise, I am shy. I am quiet. I am scared of most things. The idea of planning a lunch meet up makes my heart race with anxiety. I'm afraid to initiate conversations, even through facebook. My fear is rejection, I'm afraid of being unwanted.
So, No. I don't shrug off the things you joke about. It hurts. When you call me a 'weirdo'... I'm not laughing because I think its funny.
I'm laughing because I don't want you to see my pain, I don't want to let you see my weaknesses.
At no time would I ever... EVER!... tell someone that they are unfavorably different. How dare the wretched pass judgment upon the misunderstood eccentrics who yearn for social acceptance. I pity the lives lead by generic standards. How boring your shallow lives must be.
I will never truly fit in anywhere in this world because I know I can't ever change. Social society frowns upon the introverted creatures, it scorns our lack of activity and spawns an intolerance of our solitary lifestyles.
So perhaps this is simply one of the many ways I'm trying to get answers.
Someone enlighten me... What is it that I'm doing wrong?
For now, I'm just going to accept the fact that sometimes friends can be assholes and just wait it out like the loyal dog I am.
I'm feeling very bitter tonight... I must be over-tired.